Slipping Through My Fingers
by JuliaGoldsworthy
Summary: After Julia dies Eli tries moving on by transferring to Degrassi. Though, when he begins to fall for Clare,Julia has a hard time moving on herself. Will Eli and Clare prevail despite Julia's haunting? Or will Eli forever be Julia's? Read and find out.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey anyone who stopped by and clicked on this, just to let you know, this is my first Degrassi fanfiction so anything you guys can tell me to help me out with this will be welcomed. If you hate it or love it I want to hear your thoughts so leave them in a review or PM me. Hope you guys like it! This is Slipping Through My Fingers.**

**Whatever. It. Takes.**

**~JuliaGoldsworthy **

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><p><em>"Ouch I have lost myself again.<em>

_Lost myself and I am nowhee to be found._

_Yeah I think that I might break. _

_I've lost myself and I feel unsafe."_

~Breathe Me.

~Sia.

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><p>Julia and I were sitting on the couch in my living room. There was a romantic comedy playing on the screen, though neither of us were really paying attention to it. I honestly couldn't have told you what the main character's first name was.<p>

Her head was on my chest and I was playing with her long, dark hair. It was almost two in the morning on Wednesday, April 22, 2009. Neither of us were tired and we didn't really want to go to bed. My parents had gone out of town a few days ago and weren't due back until Saturday, so there was no one pressing us to go to sleep. I think we were both waiting for the other to declare tiredness, but we didn't want to.

See, that's how it is with me and Julia. We could, quite literally, sit with each other for hours, neither of us saying a word, yet still feel each other's presence. Be in our own world of thoughts, yet in each others at the same time. Never awkward.

Of course we had our problems. Our fights, like I assumed most couples did. Julia said things she didn't mean, and the same went for me. She'd storm out and I'd let her, but she'd always come back. When roles were reversed and I was the one to walk away, I came back to her just the same. We never wanted to be without each other for long, and we never were.

There was a knock at the door.

"Who comes knocking on doors at two in the morning?" I said, getting up to answer it. Julia stopped me.

"I'll get it." she said politely, already standing. She leaned down to give me a peck on the lips before she walked away to get the door.

I heard the door open and then a whisper.

"What Are you doing here?" she asked in a tone of voice that had an emotion I couldn't detect.

More whispers.

"Please, just leave. I can't do this Mitchell." she said quietly.

Mitchell. I dug my nails into the couch in hopes of keeping myself there. Julia could handle this. She knew him better than I did, knew what made him tick. If she needed my help she would ask for it.

Besides, if I saw his face, I would kill him.

Julia had told me the many tales of the ex who she had claimed to be crazy.

They had met during our freshman year and seemed perfect for each other. At that time, I was close with Julia, friends I mean, but hadn't ever really met Mitchell in person. I was friends with Julia because, even though we didn't have that many classes together, she lived a few streets away from me and we had hung out alot the summer before.

She had told me that about three months into their relationship his dad had left his mom. After that his mom had killed herself, leaving him all alone in a house to himself.

Three months after that he had proposed. I can't even see it when I try to. Someone besides me kneeling in front of Julia. Saying that they want to spend the rest of their life with her and that they love her more than anything. Pulling a small, blue velvet box out and opening it to reveal a sparkling diamond ring to her. Speaking the words that make hearts stop. _Marry me_.

Julia said that she just smiled at him. She had wanted to say yes to him, let him know that she cared about him, because all he really needed was to know someone was there. He needed a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold. Julia was willing to be that for him, but not a wife. She wasn't going to give away her youth to settle down and get married just because he was dealt a few crappy cards in life. Sure, they were _really_ crappy, but it wasn't her hand.

She told him no, politely of course, but he wasn't hearing that. He shoved the ring on her finger, almost breaking it, and kissed her.

Julia had pushed away and threw the ring across the street.

When she told me the story she always stopped then, knowing that she couldn't tell me what happened after that because I was too protective of her. While I wanted to be there for her and hear her out when no one else would, I knew that if I heard that he had hurt her I would have to kill him.

He was put in a detention center only months after that for domestic abuse, and sexual assault.

Julia didn't tell me those stories.

Something she did tell me though, that he was due to be released from jail soon. She hadn't told me the date exactly but I assumed, now, that it was tonight.

"Just go." Julia said. I heard the door scrape across the floor.

"No!" I heard him yell. I jumped up. Before I could get to them there was a smash, a smack and a thud.

_Smash. _ The glass on the door shatters from being flung open and into the wall.

_Smack._ Mitchell's fist coming up swiftly to meet Julia's beautiful face.

_Thud_. Julia lands on the ground, embracing the pain from the hit the best she can. She calls out in pain but all I can do is look on at her.

I get to the door and see him. He's in a baggy, flannel shirt and dirty jeans. His breathing was quick and shallow, his eyes filled with rage, staring at Julia with hate. He blinked a few times and then seemed to step back and see what he had just done. Who he had just hurt.

"Julia," he said and I stepped towards him. "Julia let me help you." he held a hand out to her, trying to help but he had already done enough damage.

"Don't touch me!" she yelled at him, standing and meeting him face to face, looking him in the eye. "Leave now!" she said in a rush, tears over flowing her eyes.

She didn't deserve this. She had done nothing but be nice to this freak and this was her give back?

"Don't talk to me like that!" he said, stepping in the house and coming closer to her. She was about to scream back at him but I stepped in.

"Hey! She'll do whatever she likes, now get out and never come back!" I said, stepping towards him as he backed out of the house.

"Eli, don't." Julia said, quiet but forceful. I ignored her.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" he asked me, voice low yet filled with anger.

We were outside now and I didn't intend on stopping, not until he left. The night was cold yet still. No stars, just air. No moon, just black sky. There was snow on the ground that served as light. I was in nothing but socks, yet didn't care.

"I think I'm the guy that's going to call the cops on your ass if you ever touch my girlfriend like that again!"

"Girlfriend?" he said, sad now. He looked at Julia.

"Don't look at her!" I said, grabbing his face and moving his chin even with mine. I could smell his breath, alcohol, and cigarettes. Even though he had been backing out and away I kept pushing him back, getting his as far away from Julia as possible.

His fist hit my jaw and I straightened it back out before punching him back in his.

"Eli! Don't!" She ran behind me and tried to pull me away. I shook her off carefully before going back at him.

My dad had taught me how to fight, and I wasn't new to it either. Not that I went looking for fights, but if they found me I knew how to handle them.

I threw my fist right under his nose, breaking the bone and hopefully doing some damage to his jaw too.

His hands flew to his face, feeling around to see if there was any blood. While he searched I took my hands and cupped them onto the sides of his ears, slamming them into the side of his head. The air pressure would be enough to make his eardrums pop, no permanent damage done, just enough to deafen him for a second or so.

He screamed out in pain and stumbled around.

"Eli stop this." Julia said as I pushed Mitchell to the ground.

"Don't you ever even think about my girlfriend again or I swear I'll-"

"Eli quit! He's had enough." Julia came up and grabbed my shoulder, pulling me until I stood up. While I was distracted Mitchell stood up and he walked over to to me. He tried to throw a punch but I held his fist when it was still by his shoulder. He looked at me, a kind of glare filled with so deeply embedded rage that not even Julia could help him.

Maybe he was crazy. Maybe he just needed some talking to. Either way it's not okay to go around hitting girls and not taking responsibility.

He stared at me then started nodding subtle.

"Fine." he pulled his fist from my hand. He started backing away, trying to wipe the blood off his face, but only spreading it around. Making it worse. "But I'll be back!" he yelled, spitting blood and saliva at us. He still stood in the yard, fidgeting with anticipation.

"The hell you will be!" I yelled at him and he came towards me again. Julia held me next to her to keep me from going towards him again.

"Both of you stop it!" she screeched, tears streaming from her face. "Mitchell leave now! Eli, just go inside, I'll be there in a minute."

"Not until he leaves." I said slowly, containing my anger.

She looked at Mitchell again and he smirked evilly. "I'll get my revenge, I can assure you that." He said, speaking in a civil tone. "I'll get revenge on both of you. You for stealing her away," he pointed at me. "And you," he looked to Julia, eyes softening in a way that made me want to rip him to shreds. "For breaking my heart and leaving me to suffer." He looked like he was crying now. "You two will _not_ be together, I'll make sure of it. Whatever it takes." he said and jumped away, bounding off into the darkness.

Julia looked at me with an expression that I can't quite describe.

"Julia, I-" she stormed past me and pushed her way into the house, stepping over the glass that had fallen on the floor. I followed closely behind her, shutting the door out of habit behind me. More glass fell and she flinched at the sound of it breaking.

She walked over and sat on the corner of the couch, legs tucked close to her chest, her head on her knees, hand on the top of her head. She started sobbing into her knees.

"Julia, it's going to be okay." I ran over to comfort her. I put my hand on her back and she flinched again. "He's never coming back again and if he does then I'll take care of it. You never have to worry about him again and after the police hear this I'm sure that scum will be back in jail before you can even think of it again. I promise, Julia, I will never let him hurt you. I-" as I said more words her sobs got heavier and louder. She then stopped making noise all together, making me lose my train of thought.

"Do you even realize what you've done?" she said hauntingly. Looking up from her knees momentarily to look into my eyes with hers. Dripping with eye make-up, green reflecting behind the pools of tears being held by her bottom lid, she gave me a look of seriousness, fear, and anger. Her teeth were clenched as she hyperventilated. She moved her hair out of her face and sniffled, trying to calm her breathing.

"What do you mean _realize what I've done_?"

"You know how crazy he is Eli," she spoke fast, she stood up off the couch and looked down at me. "When he says he'll get revenge he means it. He's coming after you. He's coming after me. And he's coming after anyone else he can get his hands on that will hurt us when they get hurt." she looked off into space for nothing more than a moment.

"He won't do that because I'll handle it when he tries to." I stood up too, trying to make her understand that I would protect her even if it meant putting myself in danger.

"You don't understand, Eli, he doesn't respond well to other people. You should've let me handle this."

"Because everything was working out in your favor?" I said, raising my voice. "He hurt you Julia, what did you expect me to do? Stand back and watch him hit you?"

"I think watching me get hit is better than being killed." her tone was serious and I could tell she wasn't exaggerating.

"I was just trying to protect you." I said.

"Eli," she took a deep breath, closing her eyes and trying to contain herself. "I've dealt with him before. He's hurt me, and violated me, and made me cry like you've never seen me cry before. Who was there to protect me then? Me. I was my own savior. I put the bandages on myself. I knew how to deal with all this before you even knew my middle name. So when he does come back, which he will, don't try to save me. I can rescue myself." she said turning her back on me.

I wish I wouldn't have, but I did. I yelled at her like I never had before. "If you had everything under control, Julia, you wouldn't have let him hit you. You would've stood up for yourself instead of letting guys like him continue to take advantage of you. All I was doing was trying to stop it. But fine, if you want to get thrown into walls, have glass smashed in your head, and be suffocated nightly then I'll let you. I was going to be there and help you heal but if you don't want me there than I won't try to stop him from hurting you again." she turned to me with a look of disgust.

"If anything _you've _hurt me more!" she screamed.

"And how's that?" I asked, yelling. She walked up to me.

"I can't believe you! I told you he's coming after me and there's nothing you can do about it! So stop trying to be such a bad ass and except the fact that now I have to deal with this."

"And I've told you to go deal with that! I won't stand in your way if you want to let lunatics that are bigger and stronger than you trample you every chance they get."

"You think that emotionally unstable maniac is stronger then me?" she asked, pointing to the door.

"Yeah Julia!" I said scoffing. "He's stronger than you because no matter how many times you put the band-aids on, and no matter how much strength it takes to emotionally heal after that, he can rip that all off...with his fist." I said.

"I don't have to take that from you, _you_ of all people Eli." she threw her hands to her sides and walked over to the coat rack to get her coat.

"Well you wouldn't have to if you would've let me handle it."

She put her coat on and looked back at me before opening the door to leave.

"I'll always be stronger Eli." she said. "Don't you ever doubt that." she slammed the door and walked out. More glass fell and shattered.

I rolled my eyes. Julia being dramatic-shocker! I felt like screaming at her but I knew it was worthless. I heard her pick up her bike from the bushes and ride away on it.

She had done this type of thing before. She would run out and come back a day or two later when she realized she was better off with me than her dad and step-mom at her house. She would come back, because she always did. If she was so strong than she should be strong enough to swallow her pride and apologize.

I went to the kitchen and got a trash bag and duck tape. I spread the bag out across the window and taped the corners to the door. I got the broom and dust pan to sweep up the glass. After most everything was cleaned up I got my phone, went upstairs, and went to bed.

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><p>Three hours later I awoke to my phone ringing.<p>

I searched my nightstand for my glasses, found them and put them on. I saw my phone and grabbed it, looking at the screen.

I didn't recognize the number but I answered it anyways.

"Hello?" I asked, my voice was scratchy, thick with sleep.

"May I speak to Eli Goldsworthy please?" the voice sounded very official.

"This is he. Who's this?"

"Mr. Goldsworthy, this is Officer Snyder, do you know a girl that fits this description?" he paused. "About sixteen, five foot six, slender, green eyes, long dark hair, pale, heart shaped face, sl-"

"Julia." I breathed.

"Excuse me?" Snyder asked.

"Um, Julia Ryan. Is that her?" I asked.

"Well, there was no ID on her, your name was the first in her in case of emergency contacts on her cell phone. If this girl is Julia Ryan, do you have a relation to her, Mr. Goldsworthy?"

"Yes." I cleared my throat. I was suddenly worried. "She's my girlfriend."

"I'm very sorry to report this Mr. Goldsworthy, since she may be your girlfriend, but this girl was found on the side of the road deceased."

It had to be a mistake. This was all a big misunderstanding. There are tons of girls that some idiot cop could have described to sound like they looked like Julia.

"Where is she?" I asked.

He gave me the street and general location. He also told me that he needed someone to come and officially 'identify' the body.

I wanted to tell him not to talk about her like that. Not to speak of her as is she wasn't here, but if he was right, then she wasn't.

"Thank you, sir, I'll be there in ten minutes." I jumped out of bed, flung open my bedroom door and bound down the steps to the front door. I grabbed my jacket and the keys to my dad's car before running outside to start the ignition.

I started driving down the road to where the officer had told me she would be. I parked about ten feet away and ran up to the flashing lights. A man with hair on his face and a big leather jacket on turned to me.

"Are you Mr. Goldsworthy?" he asked and I nodded. "I'm Officer Snyder I spoke to you awhile ago." he told me as if I didn't already know.

"What happened?" I asked frantically looking around, expecting Julia to pop out and ask the same thing.

"Well, from the looks of it, the accident was a hit and run. The bike was mangled and her body was pretty badly damaged. A few broken ribs and one leg was broken entirely."

"Bike?" I asked and he walked me over to his car, showing me a teal blue bike with black paint splatters on it. Unmistakeably Julia's.

"Do you recognize it?" he asked, getting out a pen and pad of paper.

"It's hers." I said. "Julia's." my heart was beating faster and faster. My mind raced a mile a minute trying to think of reasons why someone else would have her bike. Someone else got hit by the car, not Julia. Not _my_ Julia.

"We still need a name." he said, pulling me out of my millions of excuses. He lead me over to the ambulance, a stretcher laid in front of the doors that were open. A paramedic pulled the white sheet back from the top to reveal a face.

All sounds faded out and away from me. The beeping, the lights, the voices. Suddenly my vision was filled with her face, my ears were filled with our yelling. My last words to her. Telling her she wasn't big enough to handle her own problems, making her feel bad, doubting her superioress to morons like Mitchell who don't deserve the time of day.

Mitchell.

He was right. He had gotten his revenge. On Julia. On me. On both of us.

He couldn't. He wasn't that crazy. He loved Julia, just as much, if not more, than I did. I wouldn't do this to her, neither would he.

I reached out to touch her face but a hand wrapped in white, rubber glove grabbed my wrist.

"You can't touch her." said the paramedic. "We're sending it in for finger printing." It?

"What finger printing? She was hit by a car!" I said.

"Son," officer Snyder said with a calming tone. "Do you know her?" I looked at her face. Pale. Pretty. Perfect.

I looked at her lips, never to kiss again. Her eyes, never to see me apologize to her for what I said. Her head, the mind and imagination inside of it never to again think the wonderful, charming thoughts she did.

"Julia Ryan." I said quietly, still in my own world.

"I'm sorry?" the officer asked. The paramedic pulled back the white sheet, covering her face again. That might have been the last time I would ever see her.

"Her name is Julia. Julia Ryan."

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><p><strong>So, I promise, promise, promise there will be Clare soon. Maybe chapter two but if things plan out correctly then chapter three is a definite. Leave a review and I'll be back not this Monday, but the one after that with a new chapter. <strong>

**Thanks for reading!**

**Whatever. It. Takes.**

**~JuliaGoldsworthy **


	2. Chapter 2: Brave Ones

_"In other news this evening, a local girl is killed in a hit and run car incident. The minor was riding her bike home when the driver, yet to be found, ran into her. Whether the occurrence was accidental or intended by the driver, is still unknown. Lisa Tyler went out to the location of the tragedy, here's what she found."_

The scene switched to a blond lady standing where I had the night before.

_"Last night at roughly 5:00 a.m., Bardell sophomore, Julia Ryan, sped home on her bike from her boyfriend's house. Not long after she was hit by an unidentified car. Neighbors reported the crash and police arrived as soon as possible. She was declared dead at 5:34, around the time at which local enforcements reached the scene."_

It was all over the news now. Words were said without really knowing what happened. Reports were filed that were flooded with lies.

Last night Officer Snyder took me to the police station to give more details about the mess. I had called my parents on the way there and they came and met with me about and hour and a half later.

In summary, it was one of the worst nights of my life. I was asked questions I didn't have the answers to. Given curious looks from passer by policemen who didn't trust me. Swallowing the lump in my throat every time I opened my mouth to speak to avoid crying. And the obvious, of course, though I hadn't come to terms with this enough to think it, let alone say it aloud.

Now I was sitting on a couch in Julia's living room where I had sat countless times. Before Julia's step-mom went crazy and they started fighting all the time, I had sat here and had conversations with her father while I waited for her to come downstairs before our dates. Curling up under blankets and watching movies with her. And one of my favorite memories, watching her fall asleep on my chest after walking in from a concert and not being able to make it up the stairs because we were so exhausted. Now the spot opposite me felt especially cold without her here. I'd like to imagine she was getting ready upstairs before going out to dinner with me, or that she was in the kitchen making popcorn before we settled in to watched something. But she wasn't.

"I just can't believe it." her step-mom, Erica, wept into her hands. I looked away to avoid glaring at her.

"It's a terrible loss, I know." CeCe put a comforting hand on her back. She had tears in her eyes as well but was no where near as upset looking as Erica. Realizing that, I couldn't help but notice how much stronger my family was being. Sure, none of us were actually related to her but we'd spent so much more time with her during the last year than they had. It seemed unfair to me that now we had to be the brave ones.

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><p>The funeral was beautiful, really. Flowers that her step-mom said were her favorite, even though they weren't, laid across her casket. Her school picture had been cropped to make her smile, though the lips and teeth weren't hers. Everyone who were claimed as her friends came and gave vague speeches about her. Erica had decided that only her acceptable peers could talk. So that left me and her best friend, Vanessa, out of the group. No one spoke the truth, no one really knew her but us. The whole ceremony was really a gorgeous lie formed to protect what Erica had wanted Julia to be.<p>

I'd sat near Vanessa, her on my right and my parents on my left. I'd listened to her weep and cry for over an hour and still hadn't shed a tear. I wasn't sure when it would hit me, but I knew that when it did it would be bad. For now, though, I was fine just sitting here. Listening to lies. Numb.

As we were walking out Vanessa asked me if I was okay. I nodded and she gave me a comforting hug. We'd been friends ever since I started dating Julia. They were kind of a package deal the two of them, they'd been best friends since the first grade and nothing would change on my account.

She walked away, wiping tears from her eyes, and my parents walked up behind me.

"Let's get home." my dad said. His arm was around my mom's shoulders and she looked like she had been crying, despite the smile she put on her face now.

"Give me a minute?" I asked. They nodded and headed towards their vehicle.

I, on the other hand, turned around to look at where we had just been. The chairs were being picked up, the tables were being taken down, the podium was being placed back in a white truck and all of the darkly dressed funeral goers had cleared. And just like that Julia was gone.

All she had ever created, ever done or accomplished had practically vanished with a few pats of the dirt. She didn't have that many friends at school that could tell stories about her, we were so young that I couldn't imagine Vanessa thinking about her everyday for the next sixty plus years. Her family would mourn for a few years and then gradually except life without her, then she would just remain in memories untold. Who was going to be there to tell people about her?

I think I was no starting to realize. It was just so unfair. She was so amazing and so beautiful in everything she did. Why would someone do that to her? Why would anyone ever want to harm her?

Tears poured down my face as I fell to my knees. Landing hard in front of where she would remain for eternity.

Eternity. That's how long I would have to go without seeing her. Everyday would pass without seeing her face in person, without hearing her voice say my name. She would never claw my back as I cradled her against my chest while being intimate. I would never feel the rush of her bare skin against mine.

I cried harder as I realized how selfish I was being. Nothing but a horny bastard lusting after his girlfriend.

I looked up and thought about that. Girlfriend.

Had we officially broken up before she left my house that night? Did she die my ex or someone who I loved passionately enough to yell at her despite the tears she gave.

Either way, I suppose now we were separated, in the universal way anyhow. She was somewhere else, or at least that's what I would like to believe for her, and I was here on earth, just existing.

I looked over and saw something shiny and black parked behind the tree.

I pushed off the ground to stand up, knees still weak, and walked over to the object. When it came into full view I realized that it was a car. A hearse, rather. Then I realized all the meaning this vehicle contained.

This was the last place she was. The last place Julia physically laid before she was buried. And also, the last place the driver had left his keys. On the passengers seat there was a single, shiny silver key.

I glanced around to make sure no one was looking and without a second thought reached through the open window and grabbed the key. I ran around to the driver's side, adrenaline pumping in my veins, and put the key in the ignition.

It was hesitant to start but soon did with a semi loud groan. I looked around to make sure no one had noticed and pulled away.

I may get in trouble for this later. Stealing, driving underage. But this wasn't something that the law should have any part in. It was Julia thing and no one, I was convinced, would quite ever understand.

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><p><strong>Okay so I hope you guys liked it. Please review and leave some thoughts about it. <strong>

**Whatever. It. Takes.**

**~JuliaGoldsworthy.**


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